Out there somewhere...
Ft, Tiller, Modulus, Punch, Heaux,
The soul of these photographs... is my insides. i don't get to talk about it much, as i suppose it's considered "Taboo." and not to mention, i don't think anyone ever really talks about things quite like this. When i was young, i was under the impression that i was born a boy. i truly believed it, and when i went through puberty, also very young(think single digits here) i was almost horrified in a way because i almost couldn't believe that i was female. i wanted so desperately to cling to this kind of identity that i had for myself, that i felt, and somehow it also made some things make sense.
Now it made sense why my brothers would treat me differently when i wanted to play spots or video games with them.. and why i was forced to wear dresses on Easter Sunday to church, when i didn't understand why i couldn't wear my regular hand-me-downs like always because at least i'm there right? i felt lost... not to mention i was ugly. and not ugly in the low self esteem sense.. i was ugly. and not only that iw as reminded of it every day by those around me. I had made my mind up during those times that if i had to be a girl, and i could not be a beautiful girl, then at least i would be a smart one and i would learn everything i could.. this mentality still holds true today with the learning.
i struggled with everything from self image, to sexuality, to just home life in general, and i felt alone, lost always, and nobody around me ever really seemed like they dealt with that. I mean how often do you hear about someone who has the life of a woman, but feels genuinely male more than half of the time or like neither from their own perspective? i won't go totally into it here because there's just so much and i don't want to depress or overwhelm anyone but wow i'm sort of tired of being silent about so many things.
When i found Second Life, honestly it was by total accident. lol. i know that isn't quite the " oh i was in a terrible place, and it rescued me" story that many have but to be frank and honest, it was accidental. i was looking for free online games like one i frequently played and it just kept coming up in the search and eventually after so many times i said screw it and signed up and 10 years later here i am! That being said.. when i joined, i thought it would be silly.. and what it became, was that age old story that others say, where it saved my life more times than i can count because i promise, without it, it, or more so those in it, i would have died some years back. i found i could let out that lost boy i couldn't be years ago, i could let out that pain of being shut up and shut out, and alienated in that way. not to say it does not happen here. but my gosh, does it feel good to sometimes just change and be what i wanted to be at any stage in my life, and just live in that moment for a minute and have people just be like " that's cool, i dig that." and just let me be me. that's the real soul of SL i think, that's the bones, and that's why i love it and continue to come back, even if i sometimes need a break. this got a bit deep but i hope even one person can get where i'm coming from.. or perhaps relate. i hope you all enjoy this post, and maybe this read. Cheers.- Creep Dolly.
☽The paint on the canvas!☾
Eye Scar:
-[TWC]' x Clemmm - Eye Scars *OMEGA*
Pants:
Nero - Giorgio Sweat Pants -
Eyes:
[Heaux] Damaged Eyes - FATPACK Bloody
Windlight, Pose & location:
Xanthe's Toasty
WRONG - BENTO SIT Static Male Poses - 33
